well you won't be wondering anymore. trust me on this one. just behold the following two *super fun* conversations from my friend's wedding on saturday night:
conversation #1: annoying drunk boy
omfg, this guy would NOT leave me alone. i haven't had one of 'these' people in a while ~ you know, the annoying, drunk, straight boy who you wouldn't go out with in a million trillion years, but for some unknown reason he still thinks he has a chance. completely delusional. i don't get it! (especially when they take this said "chance" and make things 1,000x worse by totally acting like a freak.) or perhaps he was just retarded. hmmm... drunk? retarded? drunk? retarded? (my friend hp thinks it was both.) seriously, he was probably the biggest LOSER i have ever met in my entire life. he kept asking me incredibly stupid things (with way too much enthusiasm), things like, 'so! what is your philosophy on photography?' and "so! where does your photographic inspiration come from, and would you say that this was an innate or learned quality from your experience? well? i am fascinated to hear your answer!' yah, WEIRDO. of course hp and jk had totally moved away from us at this point, leaving me to fend for myself... i was dying. but then he finally got up and left, which brought the unanimous reaction of "whew! gone! FINALLY! omfg, what is up with that guy? soooooo f***ing creepy." but, OH NO. ten minutes later he was back. torture. which means that clearly he only left to go up and ask the groom about me, because he comes back with the following:
boy: so! i did some recon on you! heh heh heh
me: uhhh, awesome.
boy: interesting...
me: ok, lay it on me.
boy: well, one, you're jewish. yay!! because you don't look jewish.
me. well that's probably because i'm an athiest.
boy: oh, ok! well i also heard that you used to date a lot, but now you've sworn off men!
me: um, i wouldn't say that's true either. it just depends who's asking... (but since you're the one asking, the answer is yes, i have. ABSOFUCKINLUTELY!)
boy: oh, ok! i also heard that normally you're the life of the party, so it's really weird that you aren't being social tonight!
me: ha! actually, no ~ that isn't weird at all. in fact, this is totally par for the course. um, are you sure you were asking about the right person? because you are way off in this little 'recon mission' of yours, amigo. way off.
omg, someone please helppppppppp meeeeeeeeeeeee...
conversation #2: scary psycho chick
so at 10:00 (ok, 9:45), we agree that it's totally acceptable to leave by this point, so i run to the back room to get our coats while hp and jk pull the car around front. tho right as i'm walking past this table full of kappas (the bride's sorority, not mine), this girl named adrienne stops me and says, "hiiiii! omg t, you look EXACTLY the same. what have you done?"
me: done? as in work?
A: oh i'm just kidding. hahahahaha!
me: uh, yah. of course. you were always super funny, adrienne! and a total drunk whorebag, but i digress...
A: but more importantly, do you remember HER? (pointing to some girl)
me: um, no. sorry... it's all blurring together after 20-whatever years...
A: well! you stole her prom date!
girl: yah, hi. did you used to go to nautilus aerobics plus in encino?
me: eh, yah. in like 1986. i worked there, actually.
girl: oh, ok, because you went to prom with martin.... omg, how do you pronounce his last name?
me: eh, i don't even know his last name...
girl: well whatever. anyway, you went to prom with him but he was supposed to take me! i mean we had totally talked about going, then all of a sudden there was this GIRL from his GYM going with him instead. but you know, don't worry. i mean, it's not like i was in love with him. it's not like you ruined my life.
me: uh, clearly not. so did you go to... birmingham? uh, yah. i remember. martin and i both worked at the gym, he didn't have a date to his prom so i said i'd go. and truthfully, if i hadn't just come across the picture of me getting into his blue trans am with a bunch of coors lights, i'm not sure i'd even remember what you were talking about... but wait! as a matter of fact, i have the pic right here on my iPhone... check it out.
girl: why do you have that picture?!?!?
me: facebook, girlie. it's in my "i heart the 80's" album. totally fuckin' rad. get a load of that hair!
girl: blink blink
me: well, gee, how's that for ironic? anyhoo, glad i didn't ruin your life! just kidding, but really, i, um, have to go now. cheers girls.
seriously, i couldn't make this shit up if i wanted to.
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