have you seen the movie total recall? the one where arnold schwarzenegger has been having weird dreams about a brunette woman that he's never met? then after seeing an ad from a company that sells imaginary adventures by implanting false memories, he decides to buy a “vacation” on mars from them, one in which he actually takes a vacation from himself by becoming a spy? have you seen that movie? well you should! yes, ok ~ it's just a little cheesy. but that doesn't mean that it isn't still totally rad. and if you haven't seen the movie, well, i guess that doesn't really matter either, now that i think about it. because as it turns out, it's not as linear of an explanation as i had hoped...
ha!
seriously, i think i just don't know where to even begin with the four million thoughts and subjects that are floating thru my pea brain right now... (((sigh))). ok, let's just start at the beginning:
for those of you who don't already know this, i have kept a journal since august of 1983. yes, 1983 ~ twenty six years (to the day, ironically enough.) i have periods of time when i'd have two, three, maybe four entries a day, but then there are a few stretches where i have two, three, maybe four years without anything. okay, that's not entirely true... there is only one 3.5 year gap ~ the exact 3.5 five years that i was going out with MT. (btw, i find that verrrry odd, because i sure had a lot of things on my mind during that time. yesirree.) tho then when i think about it some more, i realize that a majority of those thoughts would have gotten me in to A LOT of trouble. um, yah... i think you know where i'm going with this. anyway, getting way too sidetracked already...
my journal entries from high school are incredibly funny. first of all, i wrote in all lower case even way back then, but i dotted every "i" with a heart (which must have been quite time-consuming.) i also must have burned thru cases and cases of pink hello kitty pens. omg, i LOVED those pens! i also vaguelly recall the ink smelling like strawberries. however, what's even more entertaining than my choice in pens is the actual content. seriously, reading the entries from '83-'85 is downright HILARIOUS.
first of all, there was sooooo much drama. um, why? all we had to do was go to school for 35 hours a week. what was all of the damn drama about? oh wait... BOYS. lots and lots of boys. tho clearly i had the romantic attention span of a 3-year old, as witnessed by this little sampling:
mon: i heart scottie sooooooo much! but i also heart evan and steve. mike is being a jerk. jeff has a different spanish class now so i think that is over fer shure.
tue: mom is being a total rag!!! if she tries to ground me i'm like totally running away.wed: ohhhhh shane is so cute. i'm like sooo going to marry him. tho i do still think eric is a total babe.
thu: sneaking out to go to 321 tonight! yay! but fuck! i wish we still had those wine coolers from lisa's party. oh well. hopefully todd will have black beauties.
fri: okay, i am sooooo over jim and his shit. i'm totally gonna shine him. then i'm going to transfer to calabassas so i can get a better boyfriend. one with a good car! maybe a white-on-white convertible rabbit. oh my god that would be so *rad*.
seriously f***ing hysterical.
so there you have the "girlie" side of it.
then there is the other side ~ the "dark side" ~ the part that is still very true as to who i am today. meaning the person who was far better at expressing emotions in writing than in conversation. the person who would appear very cool and calm to the outside world (well, ok, maybe not always), but on the inside was a hot mess. so i would then furiously journal in a desperate search for self-discovery, all in my efforts to try and figure out the meaning of life, the why-the-F-is-this-happening feeling, and the feeling that if i just found the right words i could totally figure it all out.
now add the music. ahhhh, the music! i couldn't even BEGIN to explain that, tho if you're a 'music person' you'll probably understand. (i have had some amazing connections with people over this subject, but more on that later.) on the other hand, i realize that there are plenty of people who just listen to whatever is on the radio, maybe buy a few cd's once in a while, never know who sings what... needless to say, i can not relate to that in the least.
i have 5,000+ songs in my itunes, and that probably only covers half of the music that i own. i have ginormous binders holding all of my cd's and liner notes (in alphabetical order, of course). and one of my absolute favorite things to do is make playlists for friends, either to introduce them to a new genre of music, or better yet, to give them tracks that i already know they are going to totally dig. so then add my freakish rainman quality of being able to remember names/ songs/ lyrics/ dates to all of the above, and you pretty much get the jist of it.
btw, there is something profound ~ very profound ~ that goes on internally when i hear certain songs. i am immediately transported back to that exact point in time, and can immediately recall where i was, who i was with, what i was thinking, how i was feeling, and probably even what i was wearing. it's f***ing crazy, it really is. but this is especially true when it comes to 80's music ~ you know, flashback kroq kind of stuff: soft cell, psychedelic furs, new order, adam & the ants, joy division, echo & the bunnymen, alterered images, suburban lawns... i mean, only ten seconds into the song and i've already time-traveled back to being 17 again.
i often wonder, why this is? is everyone this weird? tho after thinking about it a lot these past few days, my best guess is that i had (have?) no clue as to how to convey my thoughts and emotions to other people. but then i'd hear a depeche mode song and think, "omg, dave gahan just TOTALLY said what i want to say! he is amazing and brilliant! and psychic! i mean, how is it that he knows EXACTLY what i'm feeling? how is that possible? ugh! why can't i express myself like that, dammit?!" yah, welcome to my brain. and this probably explains why i'd spend every single cent i had on music. i loved going to penny lane and buying obsure 12" remixes and imported singles. i had hundreds and hundreds of albums. it also probably explains why i'd then lie on my bed every day after school, writing in my journal, not doing my homework, and listening to the same song fifty times in a row... seriously, so much so that my mom would yell thru my locked door, "ok missy! if you play that song one more time i'm going to yank that godamn record player right out of the wall!"
so yah, that's pretty much where the 80's have remained~ in my journal, in my music, and really just in my mind. it's almost like i dreamt the whole thing and didn't really live it. but in just these past few weeks, that whole period of my life has come back an alarming pace. and now (for the first time ever, i think) i'm realizing that no, that was not just one really long dream and that yes, it was actually happening in real life.
omfg, i feel like i'm in a movie. it's so bizarre! it's crazy. i'm crazy. all resulting in my virtual vacation. and this reallllllly long blog entry.
*whew*
so now that you know the background, stay tuned for the installments. because each one (and each person) definitely warrants it's own entry. i also know that if i wrote any more in this one you'd be fast asleep.
well, if you aren't already, that is. :)
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