babe #4: jude law

gorgeous PLUS the fabby, proper london accent. *besos*!

ok, what are the chances?

seriously, i don't think i could have made this up if i had tried...

my department is hosting the agency bbq tomorrow, and somehow it was decided that the theme is mexican. and since everyone knows that tia no cook nothin', a few of us were put on decoration duty.

so here i am, on day 8 or 9 or whatever of my 30-day candy abstinence, stuffing a goddamn pinata. i shit you not. and for the record, you can't just dump all of the candy in at once ~ you have to put each piece in individually. two at at time if you're lucky.

dr. N is going to looooooove this one.

babe #3: jon bon jovi

definitely the first guy on my list who just might be hotter now than he was back in 1986.  but i'm a sucker for the big hair (shocker), so it's kind of a toss up.  btw, don't even ask me how many times i've seen them in concert ~ just suffice it to say that it's somewhere around "a lot".

babe #2: robert redford

he's super hot, he's totally cool, and he has that yummy voice. and c'mon, who wasn't in love with hubbell gardiner, his character in the way we were? now, what hubbell was doing with ka-ka-ka-katie is completely beyond me, but that's way too off topic.  this isn't the ugly ho list, after all!

but i can't even talk about what robert looks like today. i. just. can't. but in all fairness he IS kinda old ~ i mean, old enough for me to have to whip out my calculator to subtract 1936 from 2008...

sadness.

babe #1: keith partridge

yah yah yah, i know that his real name is david cassidy, but for some reason i have it in my head that keith is hotter than david... am i not right? 

and i'm not really sure if the rest of my list is going to be in order or not, but keith is definitely numero uno. 

FOR SURE.

top 10 babe list

i think we all knew that this topic was going to come up eventually...

so here's the deal with the babe requirement ~ it's very important that you keep in mind that i am talking about these boys at their absolute peak of hotness. i am not talking about how they look today, or how they looked right before they went into rehab... no no no. 

tho in all fairness, some of them still look pretty good. some of them, eh, do not, which is why i will provide a visual in case you need a little memory refresher.

and i'm sure ya'll will like this topic because there will be way more pics than words!

~enjoy~

/t$

project runway addendum: look familiar?

i admit that i really liked kenley's dress last night. totally cuters. tho i quickly realized why i liked it ~ because i had seen it before. and no, not in the 80's. more like  six months ago on jennifer connelly.

balenciaga, anyone???

project runway: out of the closet!

"you know, being gay in salt lake city is really difficult."

ah. thank you keith. thank you for getting that cleared up right at the start of week 3, so i don't have to wonder about that for the next four months. (or probably more like four weeks -- IF THAT -- based on the train wreck of a frock you made last night. meh!)  but more on that later.

first i'd like to give a shout out to my viewing guest(s) last night ~ rlo and her friend "helen". now rlo is funny enough on her own, but add helen into the mix? HIGHlarious.

ok, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that when they have this many designers, they can't possibly show you the behind-the-scenes-drametia on each person. so obviously whoever is getting all of the airtime before the runway show is either in or they're out. it's also pretty obvious who's in BIG TROUBLE.

now back to keith.

i totally jinxed the boy in my last post by giving him the cute pass ~ i knew right then that the clock started ticking.  and while i'm glad he announced his gayness, i was admittedly just a bit sad about it. (i mean, i'm used to all of the hot boys being gay in real life, but now on all of my tragic reality tv shows too?  boo!) also, when i realized that we were only 15 minutes into the show and he had been talking for about 13 of them... uh oh. then one look at that damn fugly dress on his form and... uh oh! however, no homo would ever let any girl wear a dress that ill-fitted (trust me on this one), so who knows? perhaps he just thinks he's gay. maybe he grew up thinking that he could either be gay or be mormon? yes! that must be it.

i give him two more weeks.

as for the rest of the frocks, my guest judge(s) and i were in total agreement ~ we even went as far as ranking them correctly in order, 1-6.  the only surprise being was that the serial killer's twin sister didn't get kicked off for that god-awful "clock inspired" (??), matronly, poorly constructed dress. and i'm sorry, but it looked way more "amish-inspired" than anything. horrible!

speaking of the serial killer, is it me or is she getting creepier by the minute?  she talks sooooo slow and deliberate, as if that's the only way she can control her inner crazy from jumping out on the runway. (rlo's HIGHlarious comment at this point was, "omg, her hair is so oily... and that's NOT hair product.)  anyway, you just know that leanne goes back to the workroom after everyone is asleep, tries on jerry's raincoat & yellow glove outfit from week one and practices wielding the axe a la christian bale in american psycho.  

you know, just in case.

the gay bulimic alcoholic

omg, talk about an intervention trifecta...

first of all, my boys aren't in nearly enough episodes ~ i think asa was only like the second one i've seen. and boy was he G-A-Y. did you see those pictures of him from elementary school? i'm pretty sure that he was wearing mascara and just a little bit of cream blush (or "rouge" as my mum used to call it.)  

secondly, he had an eating disorder, and i always find those episodes fascinating ~ especially the bulimics. however, i thought it was interesting that he was the first puker that actually used the loo, instead of hiding ziploc bags full of vomit in the back of his closet until the weekly midnight run to the dumpster down the street.

lastly, he was a good old fashioned drunk. the drunks are always the most fun to watch! they are hilarious, or at least think they are hilarious. moreover, who hasn't experienced that super sloppy drunken stupor at least once in their life? (yes, i know who reads this blog, and yes, that applies to 99% of you. i know, i was probably right there with you.)

on the other hand, i think the heroin addicts are way too chill and always seem to be napping whenever they aren't trying to score. i also hate watching the blood seep back into the syringe. *bleck*. then the crystal meth babies are wayyyy too crazy and hard to watch ~ some of them border on downright annoying. i hardly root for any of them to succeed.

ok, back to asa: the only downer to my viewing pleasure was that i actually made chicken and black beans for dinner (an extremely rare occurrence, mind you), then sat down to watch the show. and what was the first scene?  asa sitting down to the same dinner, only to hurl it back up five minutes later. that was admittedly a bit knarly. 

as a little side note here, who binges on CHICKEN? i'm not quite sure what the logic behind that is. chicken is what you eat when you're being good, not going off of the deep end.  not to mention, my hairdresser use to be bullemic and she said that you have to go for things that are easy on the back end ~ pudding, ice cream, brownies, etc. (hey! a little advice out there for all of you aspiring barfers!)

but seriously, i think the BEST part of the episode was his friend victor. girlfriend was dramatic! i especially liked how during the intervention, he went from openly weeping while reading his letter, to getting all tough love on asa's ass: "um, excuse me, missy!  this is NOT an OPTION. you are a hot tranny mess! and you are GOING because you need *bleep* HELP. snap!"

i want victor to be at ALL of the interventions from now on.  in fact, maybe he should hurry up and get his sobriety degree or whatever those people have and just be the 4th interventionist on that show.

omg, that would be awesome.

the sugar nazi

i am the first one to admit that i clearly need supervision, especially when it comes to candy and dinero. because left up to my own devices, i will continue to eat most of my meals at 7-11, drive bmw's, and take three big vacations a year until i either have diabetes, declare bankruptcy, or both.

enter dr. N. 

as most of you already know, i went to her a few months back because i was convinced that i was developing food intolerances in my old age. i had gone from being the girl that could eat a box of nails and still have room for dessert to the girl that would have a stomach ache after drinking a glass of water.  i was pretty sure i was right about this food-thing, so i presented her with my internet findings:

"uh huh. well, why don't we talk about some other things first, ok? then if you still think you have food allergies we can proceed from there, ok?"

"sure. what do you want to know?"

"milk? dairy?"

"yes. me gusta queso. me gusta mucho!"

"that's nice. but can you switch to soy milk? it's much easier to digest."

"ok. sure."

"do you eat a lot of sugar?"

"um..... maybe."

"well, that needs to stop. completely. do you use a lot of artificial sweetener? splenda, nutra sweet..."

"yah, but only like 20 packets a day."

"20?!?! not good. ok, no more of that either."

"WHAAAAA? oh no, you're killing me. i knew you were going to 86 the sugar, but how am i going to live without the splenda? that's my out, that's my only safeguard against real sugar."

"you'll live. and caffeine? you don't drink a lot of that, right?"

"you mean, uh, not counting how many weekends where the only words that i utter between 6pm friday and 10am monday are 'quad grande non fat latte with three splendas please!' ?"

"ok, why don't you work on trying to eliminate that too."

(I HATE YOU) "well now that you took away the milk and the splenda, that should be easy."

"so, how about protein?"

(finally something i'm doing right!) "yes! love protein. well, not so much "love", but i do eat it. i especially like salmon."

"yah, no more salmon. too high in mercury!  you can only eat it if it's wild salmon, so if you're not sure my answer is no. are you exercising?"

"i belong to a gym, yessss. (silence). but i think 'belong' is probably a more accurate description than 'attend'."

"well, you need to start 'attending'. 5 days a week, 30-60 minutes a go. and you need to work up a sweat, no just sitting there on the bike watching the TV."

(I HATE YOU)

so months later -- after tons of vitals, a neurotransmitter test, god knows how many vials of blood, a couple of vitamin B12 injections, 80 bazillion supplements, yet no progress -- we meet again today:

"so! how do you feel?"

"truthfully? exactly the same as the day i met you."

"ah, then it must be your thyroid.... but things are better with the sugar, yes?"

"well, define better..."

(blank stare. she never laughs at me, EVER. which is why think i really hate her.)

"no, it's not better, it's the same. in fact, i had candy for dinner last night!"

"what did you have?"

"well, ahem... a one-pound bag of red vines. see, it has to be the one-pound bag because there aren't enough in the movie-box size. those ones are also way too skinny and meager and well, they just don't do the trick.... no, no - i'm not done - sorry... oh! i had a jumbo tootsie roll, and i must say it was fantastic. i usually eat the minis, but no more. this was much better. i also got a king-size reeses peanut butter cup, but those need to be in the fridge for at least 20 minutes for optimal taste. so i had to wait to get home to eat that one..."

"you mean you ate all of that before you even got home???? how long is your commute?"

"eh, 20 minutes?"

"oh my god."

"but see, i ate half of the red vines, then the tootsie roll, then back to the red vines... i really did mean to save them...."

"save them for what?"

"project runway! but it didn't quite work out that way. it usually doesn't."

(big sigh). "you need to stop eating sugar! why can't you just stop?!?!?"

"because i'm an addict, you stupid whorebag! (ok, i didn't call her that but i certainly thought it.) BELIEVE ME, if i could stop on my own that would have happened a looooong time ago, sister. and i get it, i do. i mean i look at people that smoke and think "omg, just stop already. how hard can it be?" even tho i already very well know that the monster is so much bigger than rational thought."

"but here's the deal ~ how can i help you if you're not helping yourself? because i'm not sure what course to take next with your treatment, since so many of the hypothyroid symptoms are similar to or being masked by the sugar, for example..."

"ah, yes. good point."

"so do you think you can go a month? pleassssssse? just try.  i mean, is there anything you like as much as you like candy?"

"yah ~ taking pictures or spending money. i'm also occasionally inspired to write my blog."

then next thing you know, i was telling her all about my camera and downtown and wide angle lenses and she, miss NO PERSONALITY, actually had a great idea: she thought it would be fun if i came in next month with a book. it's going to be a little journal ~ an "ode to candy" ~ and i'm going to document my 30 days of sugar sobriety with shots of the much-desired-but-not-eaten candy, along with snarky comments about how miserable i am.  

i should just go to 7-11 now and take all of the pictures up front.

*may the force be with me*

/t$

project runway: no me gusta!

#9 KELLI. ok, there is good tight (i.e. kenley's dress) and then there is this shit. it's also way too short. not sure where she was going with this one, but i'm quite positive she was happy that she had immunity. (grade D)

#10 JERELL. heyyyyyyyyy vegas tranny hooker. ugh!  (grade D)

#11 JOE. this is very miss usa pageant, isn't it? which can never be good. however, i will refrain from giving him a F since he was the only person who made this barfy tree bark color look even remotely wearable. (grade D-)

#12 KORTO. i think korto's a bitch. there, i said it. i thought so too last week, i just never got around to blogging about her.  she reminds me of zulu or whatever the fuck her name was from season 2, the one that yelled at kara janx: "ok, you can cry, but you're gonna need to CUT and CRY at the same time!" which now that i think about it, that was actually kind of funny. korto, on the other hand, is not funny. nor is she remotely likable. and i'm sorry, but no girl -- NOT ONE -- wants wings on the side of her dress making her ass looking even one millimeter bigger than it actually is. retard. (grade F)

#13 JENNIFER. i'm starting to get confused between jennifer and leanne. they both kinda scare me, but for totally different reasons. they look a lot alike, and obviously both of them are really good at making shiteous clothes. like this dress, for example. THIS IS NOT A COCKTAIL DRESS! it looks like something you would get at target before a 3-day carnival cruise to ensenada. and you know how much i like both of those things. (grade F)

#14 LEANNE. ah, my favorite serial killer almost went home!  and rightfully so. that dress was just beyond ugly, made worse by the fact that little miss crazy actually thought she was going to win. YES. she looked like she was seriously going to have a nervous breakdown when she was standing there with wesley awaiting the final verdict. you could almost see the insanity seeping out of the corners of her brain while her eyes were rolling back in her head. i swear, if she had been up there for 5 more minutes you would have seen a major bloodbath, with cute little natalie portman's head on a stick at the end of it. (grade F)

#15 WESLEY. totally and completely hideous. auf wiedersehen, wesley! (grade F)

project runway: me sorta gusta

#5 KEITH. the truth is that i like keith a lot more than i like his designs. he's TMT ~ totally my type. and since i'm pretty sure that no self-respecting homo would wear the glasses that he does (the kind your parents make you wear in 4th grade)  i'm fairly confident that he's straight. then again, i sort of thought rami was straight too, until he got all diva and bitchy on jillian. ooops. so, yah, liked this dress -- especially the top -- tho after repeated viewings i'm starting to realize that the bottom portion might be borderline hideous. keith also made a similar dress out of the aforementioned unacceptable tablecloth last week, but i'm kind of letting both slide. yes, he's getting the cute pass, even tho i know i will be punished for this later on. (grade B-)

#6 STELLA. stella is clearly alice cooper's long lost sister. long lost ugly sister. and that accent! and all of that talk about leather!  OY. hopefully she will be outta there soon, but i have to give her props for this dress ~ especially after that garbage bag fiasco from last week. (grade C+)

#7 TERRI. this dress is nice, it just doesn't scream "cocktail" to me. the jury is out on terri for now. (grade C+)

#8 BLAYNE. my boy!  i actually found him more entertaining than annoying this week. and while i'm not totally digging this 80's flashback dress, he gets points for not sending another jumbo diaper down the runway. (grade C)

project runway: me gusta!

so let's start this one off on a positive note for a change, shall we?

#1 SUEDE: gotta love how i literally threw that nasty post about him up right before little missy goes on to rock that uber-fabby dress.  and did ya'll notice that his model's name is tia? seriously, if that isn't gay jesus at work i don't know what is... i certainly felt the smack down as i was watching the show. anyhoo, love love LOVED this dress! and if i were 5'11" and weighed 105 i'd probably go on bluefly.com right this very minute and order one. (grade: A+)

#2 DANIEL. major hearts for this one. (and as a bonus you don't need to be skeletor to wear it.) but you already knew that whoever would choose to make a dress out of royal blue plastic cups that are normally used for a game of quarters would be a force to be reckoned with. not to mention, he's cute, he's gay, he's talented, and his name is daniel. so since the other cute/gay/talented daniel didn't win in season 2, this guy might have a very good chance. i'm going to put him in my big winner slot for now. (grade: A)

#3 KENLEY. another great dress if you have a body like a giraffe. (tho that collar is just slightly reminiscent of christian's final runway show, is it not??)  michael kors was right in that she was the only one who used this fabric the way it should be used, and natalie portman was right in that you have to like kenley because she has a very cool look to her, like "a broad right out of the 40's." i did have just the slightest hint of some crazy last night, but i'm going to hold off on the lithium prescription for now. (grade A-)

#4 EMILY. super cuters. too bad her whorebag model only bought like a foot of fabric. still, i thought that this was made very well and fit like a glove. however, i also can't help that i've seen every season at least once, therefore rainman must give deductions for a very santino-looking braid. and since i haven't heard her do a great tim gunn and andre at the red lobster impersonation yet, i have to deduct a bit more. (grade B)

next up: SUEDE

what the fuck kind of name is that?  suede? oh give me a break!

that was a lovely start now, wasn't it?  sorry, but i just realized that PR starts in 33 minutes and i only got through two people last week.  (i told you that my A.D.D. was wretched.)  but this should be quick, because let's face it -- suede was one of the uninspired and lazy designers who used a tablecloth. and even worse, he used that blue and white checkered piece of shit that you only see in truck stop diners and maybe picnics in the midwest.

uggles!

i think the biggest problem tho is boyfriend was talking some major smack up until he wrapped that piece of paper around the form. "oh look at me i'm so cool and hip with my blue mohawk in a retro kind of way that is and i'm soooo sick of making millions and millions of dollars for other people that it's about time i was the goddamn millionaire SNAP!"

um, not with that dress, mister.

next victim: LEANNE

so you would think that i'd like this girl because she made a pink dress with candy on it. 

um... yah, ok. TOTALLY.

even tho i swore that whoever wussed out and used a tablecloth was going to be worthless. however, let me caveat that statement by saying that i loved IT and not HER. because "her" is crazy. insane. totally bananas! you can tell by the way she stared into the camera lens like a serial killer. she even gave us a peek into the dark side by saying something fucked up and creepy like, "i'm the silent but deadly contestant." 

ahhhhhhhh, i bet you are!

speaking of serial killer, she totally looks like one with those thick, buddy holly glasses: john list. now for those of you who are slightly behind on your serial killer stats, in 1971 john list murdered his mother, wife and three kids. he then dragged all of them on sleeping bags and lined them up in the living room.  then he split ~ for eighteen years. (i think it was something like a month before they found the bodies.)

in 1989, someone saw him on america's most wanted, said hey, that's my nice but kinda quiet neighbor even tho i'm pretty sure he's not named john list... and, well, that was the end of the 18-year vacay.

sorry, back to the topic. i dug this outfit, i just wouldn't want to run into her in a dark alley. (or my living room, apparently.)

new & improved

yes, i changed the layout. 

yes, it's the most sickening girly pink ever. 

yes, i think black looked better. 

yes, i was having a hard time reading k/o 'd type, and you all are going to suffer because of it. 

hearts!

/t$

you're either in or you're out!

you know, i actually use that phrase quite often when dishing out my pop psychology dating advice, but not today. because today we are actually going to discuss project runway 5!

                                  ****intermission****

eh, er... ok, i've admittedly lost just a bit of enthusiasm about this post after spending the past 20 minutes on the bravoTV website. there are just wayyyyy too many designers in the beginning, so i was obviously delusional when i thought that i could wade through that hot mess of a runway show and actually throw out some predictions for the final three.  so let's just begin with a shout out of noteworthy peeps for now. 

and in honor of my A.D.D. (and your sanity), i'm going to have to break this shit up throughout the week, so let's start with the obvious, shall we?

BLAYNE. ok, you think i'd like this guy because he's a self-admitted tanning addict and has pretty decent highlights, even tho he does look like my crack-addict cousin from some trailer park in mississippi.  

um, NO. 

because the only thing worse than us level-7 blondes being pale is having bad teeth, and this boy has a mouth like a white picket fence.  also, what UP with his faux getto fab slang?  (he actually said to time gunn, "holla at yo boy, tim!") furthermore, am i the only one that noticed how he kept sniffing?  sniff! sniff! snifffffff! if this were A&E instead of bravo, they probably would have come right out and asked him, "soooo blayney, how's that meth lab coming along? better than your designs, we hope! woot!" instead, they give you two or three isolated shots of just him sniffing, as if to say, "you do the math." then to top it all off, he made some uber-shiteous wannabe heatherette body suit, so unless boyfriend can reign in the crazy, he's OUT. then again, he's going to make for some very good TV.

clueless

sorry, my loyal readers, but i still don't know what the boy's "big news" is/was. and i'll admit that i was half-inclined to get in touch with him just so ya'll would know, but there is NO WAY i'm going to be able to rally... after four years of the same broken record i'm just soooooo over it already. 

but just so you can be as annoyed as i am, i'll give you this one final post re: the subject.

so after the initial "omg! i! have! life!-altering! news! to! tell! you!",  all i got from him was a text message every friday, saying something along the lines of, "sorry i've been so busy and important, but we should catch up soon!"  of course i responded to NONE of those bullshit messages, then last friday i got this gem of an email:

"Hey Hey Hey

So, I know you're not talkin to me. Ugh. But regardless, I would like to appeal to your kindness and humanity. I have a good friend who's interested in advertising, a young girl. I thought you might be an interesting mentor to give her some advice. Pretty please?

Jb

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T"

ok, this is obviously wrong on SO MANY LEVELS that i can't even be bothered to dissect it...

'ugh' is right.