enter dr. N.
as most of you already know, i went to her a few months back because i was convinced that i was developing food intolerances in my old age. i had gone from being the girl that could eat a box of nails and still have room for dessert to the girl that would have a stomach ache after drinking a glass of water. i was pretty sure i was right about this food-thing, so i presented her with my internet findings:
"uh huh. well, why don't we talk about some other things first, ok? then if you still think you have food allergies we can proceed from there, ok?"
"sure. what do you want to know?"
"milk? dairy?"
"yes. me gusta queso. me gusta mucho!"
"that's nice. but can you switch to soy milk? it's much easier to digest."
"ok. sure."
"do you eat a lot of sugar?"
"um..... maybe."
"well, that needs to stop. completely. do you use a lot of artificial sweetener? splenda, nutra sweet..."
"yah, but only like 20 packets a day."
"20?!?! not good. ok, no more of that either."
"WHAAAAA? oh no, you're killing me. i knew you were going to 86 the sugar, but how am i going to live without the splenda? that's my out, that's my only safeguard against real sugar."
"you'll live. and caffeine? you don't drink a lot of that, right?"
"you mean, uh, not counting how many weekends where the only words that i utter between 6pm friday and 10am monday are 'quad grande non fat latte with three splendas please!' ?"
"ok, why don't you work on trying to eliminate that too."
(I HATE YOU) "well now that you took away the milk and the splenda, that should be easy."
"so, how about protein?"
(finally something i'm doing right!) "yes! love protein. well, not so much "love", but i do eat it. i especially like salmon."
"yah, no more salmon. too high in mercury! you can only eat it if it's wild salmon, so if you're not sure my answer is no. are you exercising?"
"i belong to a gym, yessss. (silence). but i think 'belong' is probably a more accurate description than 'attend'."
"well, you need to start 'attending'. 5 days a week, 30-60 minutes a go. and you need to work up a sweat, no just sitting there on the bike watching the TV."
(I HATE YOU)
so months later -- after tons of vitals, a neurotransmitter test, god knows how many vials of blood, a couple of vitamin B12 injections, 80 bazillion supplements, yet no progress -- we meet again today:
"so! how do you feel?"
"truthfully? exactly the same as the day i met you."
"ah, then it must be your thyroid.... but things are better with the sugar, yes?"
"well, define better..."
(blank stare. she never laughs at me, EVER. which is why think i really hate her.)
"no, it's not better, it's the same. in fact, i had candy for dinner last night!"
"what did you have?"
"well, ahem... a one-pound bag of red vines. see, it has to be the one-pound bag because there aren't enough in the movie-box size. those ones are also way too skinny and meager and well, they just don't do the trick.... no, no - i'm not done - sorry... oh! i had a jumbo tootsie roll, and i must say it was fantastic. i usually eat the minis, but no more. this was much better. i also got a king-size reeses peanut butter cup, but those need to be in the fridge for at least 20 minutes for optimal taste. so i had to wait to get home to eat that one..."
"you mean you ate all of that before you even got home???? how long is your commute?"
"eh, 20 minutes?"
"oh my god."
"but see, i ate half of the red vines, then the tootsie roll, then back to the red vines... i really did mean to save them...."
"save them for what?"
"project runway! but it didn't quite work out that way. it usually doesn't."
(big sigh). "you need to stop eating sugar! why can't you just stop?!?!?"
"because i'm an addict, you stupid whorebag! (ok, i didn't call her that but i certainly thought it.) BELIEVE ME, if i could stop on my own that would have happened a looooong time ago, sister. and i get it, i do. i mean i look at people that smoke and think "omg, just stop already. how hard can it be?" even tho i already very well know that the monster is so much bigger than rational thought."
"but here's the deal ~ how can i help you if you're not helping yourself? because i'm not sure what course to take next with your treatment, since so many of the hypothyroid symptoms are similar to or being masked by the sugar, for example..."
"ah, yes. good point."
"so do you think you can go a month? pleassssssse? just try. i mean, is there anything you like as much as you like candy?"
"yah ~ taking pictures or spending money. i'm also occasionally inspired to write my blog."
then next thing you know, i was telling her all about my camera and downtown and wide angle lenses and she, miss NO PERSONALITY, actually had a great idea: she thought it would be fun if i came in next month with a book. it's going to be a little journal ~ an "ode to candy" ~ and i'm going to document my 30 days of sugar sobriety with shots of the much-desired-but-not-eaten candy, along with snarky comments about how miserable i am.
i should just go to 7-11 now and take all of the pictures up front.
*may the force be with me*
/t$
1 comment:
as someone who also has problems "just saying NO" to sweets- BEST OF LUCK! I'm proud of you lady!
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